Birthday reflections
As I sit here with so many thoughts running though my head, another birthday is approaching which causing me to examine whether I am accomplishing my purpose in life, and over time have my dreams and expectations changed. Since 2007 my birthday reflections have become reliving the senseless murder of my mother, Ruth Hallman. It is extremely hard to explain to someone who has not experienced losing a loved one by violent how it affects your life forever.
In the beginning the questions flow from the deepest part of you and receive no answers; the why and who which echo in every one’s mind. Much of what you do from minute to minute seems programmed just so you can get by to the next hour. You relive every second trying to remember something, anything, which will be useful for the police. You forget how many times you told someone about a thought, an impression, trying to put the pieces together and not knowing whether any of that is helpful of not. You begin the journey of what ifs; what if I would called when I left the office, what if when I left the office stopped by the Mom’s, would any of that made a difference, I don’t know. I didn’t have the answers then and I don’t have the answers today.
You look at each face you see and wonder if this is the person, the hours move to days and still nothing, and then you hear another life has been taken This life suddenly becomes intertwined in your life and a whole new feeling of guilt takes seed in your soul. What did you not remember, could it have been important, would it have helped the police catch this person; now another life, another family begins the journey you are on and whether you could have prevented it or not you will never know for sure, but your heart takes on that burden and it is another piece of the puzzle that that has no place to go, a picture you can’t complete.
For families of violent crimes some never have bodies to lay to rest; we have been able to hold a service and have a place to visit, for others they long to know where their loved one is and the answer to that question may remain forever unanswered.
The police have arrested a suspect and you want to be there, you want know why; you realize this face is the last person your loved one saw. You imagine the fear each one felt as they were at the mercy of this person as he rendered each blow and watching their existence leave them.
As you enter the room and you see faces you don’t recognize, but the names you do. It is the families of the other victims and you can’t talk because of the lump in your throat it almost takes your breath away. The tears start and you fall into each other’s arms and you cry. It is so painful but you know each of you understands without saying a word, you speak with a look, with a squeeze of a hand, the passing of the tissue, the words shout so loudly in your head you are sure that the world hears them but they don’t.
Shoulder to shoulder, hands locked together you come face to face with the one person who changed all of your lives. You hear his voice, you see his eyes, and look at his hands, you see him smile at his family you feel the angry and rage boiling to the surface and then the enormous sense of grief overwhelms you.
Through the trial, the jury deliberation, the verdict, the sentencing this new family circle becomes stronger, breathing almost as one despite their difference or the length of time we have known each other or journey that brought us to this place. Whatever peace one member of the family may receive the wounds for the rest are still open waiting for the same closure and being allowed to speak for their loved one. Each member of the family wants their loved ones voices heard but some will never stand before a Judge to explain how their lives has been changed forever. Our new family takes on another kind of guilt, can just imagine that, yes guilt because there was a trial and verdict for their loved one, but not for others; one more burden that they have taken to their heart and choose to carry because of the decisions of others who will never be able to comprehend the additional pain they have caused.
Matthew Macon’s words, his thoughts, his answers are open for the world to read, to evaluate, to add to a new list of what ifs that bring us to today. Each life that has been changed because of missed steps, clues not found, and the system that we trust failing us.
Yes another year has passed and life continues, with tears, joy, laughter and sadness. Living up to her expectations I will forever wondered, but one thing I will always know in my heart I am Ruth Hallman’s daughter and proud of it.
